PART ONE: TOUGH TIMES
There are times when you feel so lost, like you are locked up in a very strange world. You can’t stop asking yourself ‘why’ everything is ‘how’ it is and ‘why’ it’s all happening to you. Everyone seems strange and they all look to be enemies. You try so hard but you can’t find any answers and for sure no one can give them to you.
Times when you feel like running away, far away to a place where everything is quiet and still. You want the clock to stop and the world to just be still for a moment so you could feel alive once again.
These are the same times when everything and everyone around you seems to be in black and white and you are standing out in a shouting color. Like you have your own language and the rest of the world speaks a different language so strange that you can’t understand, but that’s not the problem, the problem is that you feel like no one can understand your language even if you gave it a shot to let them in.
During such a time, you feel the weakest, it’s obvious considering you can’t solve anything. All the strength you had just vanishes and you can’t even think or talk to yourself. The worst is that even the ground you are standing on feels so weak and shaky and you are only waiting for when the wind will blow it off.
You feel like everyone has given up on you. Like no one wants anything to do with you. Even when you try to convince yourself that it’s all in your head, something keeps you back telling you to stay very far from anyone. You’re too different and no one can handle that, you only have to be strong for yourself.
Everything that used to cheer you up before brings life no more but just sadness and sorrow. You listen to music but it stays out and you can’t feel it because your worries are too loud. You can’t read a book because you can’t concentrate. You try to read a bible but it’s hard to convince yourself that God still knows that you exist. It’s as though He just let go of your hand and even when you stretch it, He won’t reach it or you won’t reach His.
You’ve lost yourself, your thoughts, your mind and you can’t feel your own body. You feel like a shadow just moving with no direction. You can’t stop thinking but the more you think is the more you get lost in your own thoughts. You can’t find answers to the many questions you have and you are too scared to even know what they could be.
I felt and have felt like this before. I still feel like this some times. It is the worst feeling and one you would not want to ever feel again. One that you want to move on from and never have face again. It’s like fighting a battle that is for life and death. You want so bad to survive it and if that happens, you don’t want to ever fight that battle again.
I am sure am not the only one who has been through this but I assure you I was able to walk right through the fire with burns of course but it is those burns that remind me each and every day to keep going harder that yesterday. Let us discover with me what the way out could be or actually what my way out was!